The Periodic Table of Irrational Nonsense!

Saw this ‘Irrational Element Table’ just now and it made the iced tea come up my nose!

The Periodic Table of Irrational Nonsense!

For the full interactive version, click here!

I love nerd humour!

Thanks to the amazing Crispian Jago for this gem.

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Why I Miss The South (Part 12): Insults

Normally, one wouldn’t think insults would be a source of fondness and nostalgia.

The way phrases are turned in The South makes you rethink all of your notions about enjoying otherwise unpleasant things.

Here are a handful of my favourites…

Back in Papaw’s day, they would have kept him upstairs.

He ain’t hooked up right.

He’s about half a bubble off plumb.

His cheese done slid right off his cracker.

I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.

I wonder what she would charge to haunt a house.

No decent woman can afford to be seen with him.

‘Nough to gag a maggot.

She talks just to hear her head rattle.

She’s three pickles shy of a quart.

That man ain’t got the decency to die.

You’ll have to look over him, he ain’t had no home trainin’.

(The Late Great Popcorn Sutton – bootlegger)

Your hair looks pretty good but your clothes needs something done.

She could start an argument in an empty house.

That girl’s not wearing enough fabric to flag down a train.

He’s old as sin and twice as ugly.

You lie like a dirty cur dog.

That dress is ugly as homemade sin.

He don’t got all what belongs to him.

She has her nose so high in the air she could drown in a rainstorm.

He’s as windy as a sack full of farts.

He’s country as a bowl of grits.

He’s 10 pounds of manure in a 5 pound bag.

Useless as a screen door (or cat flap) on a submarine.

She looks like Death suckin’ a sponge.

Here are three of the most effective yet subtle insults. When said properly, they can be devastating. And if you’re not from The South, you probably won’t even know you’re being insulted…

You’re not from around here, are you?

Bless your heart.

That’s nice.

Thenk yew!

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They May Take Our Lives.. But They Will Never Take.. Our Bacon!

William Wallace…

I’m paraphrasing somewhat…

But not by much…

He was talking about freedom…

He was talking about Scotland…

He was talking about ridding themselves from oppression…

But he may as well have been talking about…

Bacon!

To some…

Eating bacon is practically a constitutional right.

To others…

It’s practically a religion.

Yes. It’s true. These people had a ‘bacon theme’ wedding.

Why, do you ask? Well…

It sounded like a really good way to tell the world they are committed to each other…

And to bacon.

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Thanks, as always, to my friends and readers who send me bacon-related photos.
I couldn’t have done it without you. Or people very much like you.

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I Love Nerd Humour

Saw this on Facebook.

I howled!

I love Nerd Humour! 🙂

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You Had Me At…. (Part 1)

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Return of the Revenge of the Curse of the Bride of the Mummy’s Bacon!

As I have said many times, the love of bacon, especially in Canada and the United States, borders on religious fanaticism.

The knee-jerk response people say in their defence is, “Yes, but it’s so delicious!”

True. However LOTS of things are delicious. Ice Cream is delicious. Chocolate is delicious. Chocolate ice cream is delicious.

(Bacon Chocolate Ice Cream Cupcake)

But none of the other delicious foods comes close to the level of adoration accorded to bacon.

(“Honey, I’ve got it! BACON APPLE PIE!!”)

It reaches an almost fevered pitch.

I’ve heard people say that they dream of bacon.

More than a few people have admitted that a life without bacon is a life that is simply not worth living.

The love of bacon has become a lust. Bacon is bordering on becoming a fetish with some people.

(Bacon mug)

It’s become a relentless obsession with a large segment of our society.

Bacon is omnipresent.

(Bacon sunrise)

People see the world in terms of bacon.

(Bacon tattoo)

Bacon has literally become a part of many people.

Many people start their day with bacon.

(Bacon cappuccino)

Some not in the way one would expect they would.

(Jolly Roger Pirate Flag Bacon)

In our culture, bacon is ubiquitous.

Some guide their lives by it!

I will continue to chronicle this national and international obsession with bacon.

No matter where it leads.

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Many thanks to my readers and friends (especially Stephen Balen and Anna Camara) who have emailed or otherwise forwarded bacon-related photos and ideas to me. Thanks also to my dear friends Wendy McIntyre and Danielle Ulch with whom I have discussed the bacon craze at great length and who share my bafflement on this entire subject.

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Lid Blown Off Pervert Penguin Cover-Up!

Sexual Perversion of Penguins Finally Revealed After Nearly a Century of Censorship

Hot chocolate! Finally! The down and dirty goods on that sickest, most sex-addled of creatures… the penguin!!

A study on the sexual habits of penguins with findings so graphic and “perverted” that it remained hidden for nearly 100 years is finally being revealed to the public.

Yes, boys and girls, you heard correctly! After 100 years under wraps, details of depraved sex acts by penguins during a polar exploration mission are finally published.

Curators from the National History Museum in Tring, England, have discovered an old paper written by Dr. George Murray Levick, a surgeon and medical officer who accompanied Captain Robert Scott on an expedition to the Antarctic in 1912, full of shocking revelations of the “astonishing depravity” among Adélie penguins.

(Perverted Adélie Penguin)

Details, including “sexual coercion”, recorded by Dr. Levick were considered so shocking that they were removed from official accounts.

Fortunately for us, a century’s worth of moral decay, depravity and desensitization has readied us for the unvarnished truth!

Let ‘er rip, boys!

Dr. Levick witnessed males attempting to mate with other males and also with dead females, including many who had died the previous year. He also reported that “hooligan males” would often “rape” or sexually coerce females, sexually and physically abuse chicks, occasionally killing them afterwards.

Levick was so horrified and shocked by the findings in his paper, the ‘Sexual Habits of the Adelie Penguin’, that he originally recorded his notes in Greek, and at one point even writing, “There seems to be no crime too low for these penguins.”

On his return to Britain, Mr Levick attempted to publish a paper entitled “the natural history of the adelie penguin”, but according to Douglas Russell, curator of eggs and nests at the Natural History Museum [1], it was too much for the times.

“I just happened to be going through the file on George Murray Levick when I shifted some papers and found underneath them this extraordinary paper which was headed ‘the sexual habits of the adelie penguin, not for publication’ in large black type.

“It’s just full of accounts of sexual coercion, sexual and physical abuse of chicks, non-procreative sex, and finishes with an account of what he considers homosexual behaviour, and it was fascinating.”

The report and Mr Levick’s handwritten notes are now on display at the Natural History Museum for the first time. Mr Russell believes they show a man who struggled to understand penguins as they really are.

“He’s just completely shocked. He, to a certain extent, falls into the same trap as an awful lot of people in seeing penguins as bipedal birds and seeing them as little people. They’re not. They are birds and should be interpreted as such.”

Scientists now understand the biological reasons for behaviour Dr Levick considered to be “depraved.” Mr Russell said they simply did not have the scientific knowledge at that time to explain Mr Levick’s accounts of penguin behaviour.

Piffle! [2]

That’s just the sort of liberal twaddle one might expect from the head egghead at the Natural History Museum. [3]

The message to us right-thinking members of society is this, plain and simple…

All penguins are rapists, necrophiliacs and child molesters.

Consider yourselves warned!

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[1] This has to be in the running for “World’s Nerdiest Job Title!”

[2] Yes, I said ‘Piffle’ and, by gum, I meant it!

[3] It is a well-known fact that there’s a certain amount of tosh to anything said by someone admitting to being a ‘curator of eggs and nests’ at a natural history museum.

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