Hot chocolate! Finally! The down and dirty goods on that sickest, most sex-addled of creatures… the penguin!!
A study on the sexual habits of penguins with findings so graphic and “perverted” that it remained hidden for nearly 100 years is finally being revealed to the public.
Yes, boys and girls, you heard correctly! After 100 years under wraps, details of depraved sex acts by penguins during a polar exploration mission are finally published.
Curators from the National History Museum in Tring, England, have discovered an old paper written by Dr. George Murray Levick, a surgeon and medical officer who accompanied Captain Robert Scott on an expedition to the Antarctic in 1912, full of shocking revelations of the “astonishing depravity” among Adélie penguins.
Details, including “sexual coercion”, recorded by Dr. Levick were considered so shocking that they were removed from official accounts.
Fortunately for us, a century’s worth of moral decay, depravity and desensitization has readied us for the unvarnished truth!
Let ‘er rip, boys!
Dr. Levick witnessed males attempting to mate with other males and also with dead females, including many who had died the previous year. He also reported that “hooligan males” would often “rape” or sexually coerce females, sexually and physically abuse chicks, occasionally killing them afterwards.
Levick was so horrified and shocked by the findings in his paper, the ‘Sexual Habits of the Adelie Penguin’, that he originally recorded his notes in Greek, and at one point even writing, “There seems to be no crime too low for these penguins.”
On his return to Britain, Mr Levick attempted to publish a paper entitled “the natural history of the adelie penguin”, but according to Douglas Russell, curator of eggs and nests at the Natural History Museum , it was too much for the times.
“I just happened to be going through the file on George Murray Levick when I shifted some papers and found underneath them this extraordinary paper which was headed ‘the sexual habits of the adelie penguin, not for publication’ in large black type.
“It’s just full of accounts of sexual coercion, sexual and physical abuse of chicks, non-procreative sex, and finishes with an account of what he considers homosexual behaviour, and it was fascinating.”
The report and Mr Levick’s handwritten notes are now on display at the Natural History Museum for the first time. Mr Russell believes they show a man who struggled to understand penguins as they really are.
“He’s just completely shocked. He, to a certain extent, falls into the same trap as an awful lot of people in seeing penguins as bipedal birds and seeing them as little people. They’re not. They are birds and should be interpreted as such.”
Scientists now understand the biological reasons for behaviour Dr Levick considered to be “depraved.” Mr Russell said they simply did not have the scientific knowledge at that time to explain Mr Levick’s accounts of penguin behaviour.
That’s just the sort of liberal twaddle one might expect from the head egghead at the Natural History Museum. 
The message to us right-thinking members of society is this, plain and simple…
All penguins are rapists, necrophiliacs and child molesters.
Consider yourselves warned!
 This has to be in the running for “World’s Nerdiest Job Title!”
 Yes, I said ‘Piffle’ and, by gum, I meant it!
 It is a well-known fact that there’s a certain amount of tosh to anything said by someone admitting to being a ‘curator of eggs and nests’ at a natural history museum.