Bacon My Way Back to You!

Bacon.

(Bacon-wrapped avocado)

Yes. Bacon.

Again.

(Saw this at Bass Pro Shops – couldn’t resist!)

Sorry, boys and girls.

(Bacon as bun!)

I know it’s been an unconscionably long time since my last blog.

I’ve been busy.

Like ‘nuts’ busy.

(Original? There’s more than one?)

Not to worry, though.

(An explosion of bacon!)

I swore to myself that the first thing I would do…

(In case of emergency, administer bacon!)

Once I got back to the old blog site…

 

 

(Because nothing says ‘birthday’ like bacon frosting!)

Was give you a bacon update!

(Bacon has few fans as loyal as Garfield!)

And here it is.

(Home sweet home!)

Just for you.

(Check out the bottom left corner. COR! It’s kosher!)

Enjoy.

I’d say, “It’s good for you!”…

(Who’s behind this anarchist movement?)

But we all know I’d be toying with the truth.

Just when you thought the end was near…

And you’d given up all hope…

More bacon photos!

(Gold sprinkled bacon)

 

It gives life a sense of purpose.

(As far as I can tell, this is bacon/cheese jello)

OK, a few more.

(Weave bacon taco!)

That bacon taco deserves another photo.

(Bacon taco with chocolate sauce and peanuts!)

I’ve been away for a while.

(Manly, yes. But I like it too!)

And I have a lot of bacon photos!

(Bacon wrapped spam!)

And when I say, “a lot”…

I mean “a lot!”

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Bacon by any other Name would Smell as Sweet

 

Yes, kiddie-winkers…

Boys and girls…

It’s time again to delve into my bacon fascination.

For those new to these posts…

I need to make something clear…

I am not obsessed with bacon, per se.

I am, however, fascinated by people’s obsession with bacon…

And the myriad ways that obsession expresses itself.

Here are but a few examples…

Some more alarming than others!

There seems to be no limit to how bacon can be inserted into people’s daily lives…

As well as their tummies.

The range of bacon uses is only limited…

(Saw these bacon lollipops sold at my local 7-11!)

By the imagination of  the bacon users…

And, presumably, the pork marketing boards.

They provide bacon lovers…

And those of us who study them…

Countless hours of harmless fun…

(Wouldn’t this make the ideal bacon food cart?)

As bacon sits there…

On a plate…

Waiting to kill them.

Have fun!

 

And most of all…

Enjoy!

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Thank you once again to the many friends & readers who have sent me bacon-related photos and suggestions.

I couldn’t have done it without you… or people very much like you.

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Wake Up and Smell the Bacon!

Wake up and smell the bacon!

You know it was just a matter of time before Oscar Meyer would come up with an app for this!

As we say down in Arkansas, “Yew just cain’t make this stuff up!

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Why I Miss The South (Part 12): Insults

Normally, one wouldn’t think insults would be a source of fondness and nostalgia.

The way phrases are turned in The South makes you rethink all of your notions about enjoying otherwise unpleasant things.

Here are a handful of my favourites…

Back in Papaw’s day, they would have kept him upstairs.

He ain’t hooked up right.

He’s about half a bubble off plumb.

His cheese done slid right off his cracker.

I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.

I wonder what she would charge to haunt a house.

No decent woman can afford to be seen with him.

‘Nough to gag a maggot.

She talks just to hear her head rattle.

She’s three pickles shy of a quart.

That man ain’t got the decency to die.

You’ll have to look over him, he ain’t had no home trainin’.

(The Late Great Popcorn Sutton – bootlegger)

Your hair looks pretty good but your clothes needs something done.

She could start an argument in an empty house.

That girl’s not wearing enough fabric to flag down a train.

He’s old as sin and twice as ugly.

You lie like a dirty cur dog.

That dress is ugly as homemade sin.

He don’t got all what belongs to him.

She has her nose so high in the air she could drown in a rainstorm.

He’s as windy as a sack full of farts.

He’s country as a bowl of grits.

He’s 10 pounds of manure in a 5 pound bag.

Useless as a screen door (or cat flap) on a submarine.

She looks like Death suckin’ a sponge.

Here are three of the most effective yet subtle insults. When said properly, they can be devastating. And if you’re not from The South, you probably won’t even know you’re being insulted…

You’re not from around here, are you?

Bless your heart.

That’s nice.

Thenk yew!

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They May Take Our Lives.. But They Will Never Take.. Our Bacon!

William Wallace…

I’m paraphrasing somewhat…

But not by much…

He was talking about freedom…

He was talking about Scotland…

He was talking about ridding themselves from oppression…

But he may as well have been talking about…

Bacon!

To some…

Eating bacon is practically a constitutional right.

To others…

It’s practically a religion.

Yes. It’s true. These people had a ‘bacon theme’ wedding.

Why, do you ask? Well…

It sounded like a really good way to tell the world they are committed to each other…

And to bacon.

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Thanks, as always, to my friends and readers who send me bacon-related photos.
I couldn’t have done it without you. Or people very much like you.

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Why I Miss the South (Part 11): Dixie Envy

Why I Miss the South: Dixie Envy

(Blue Ridge Mountains Sunset – Image credit: Dave  Allen)

In my Twitter novel, The Great Dead North, two characters (the Narrator “Me” and his wife, “Callie-Ann” [aka Cally] from Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina) have the following exchange one morning…

Me: I take it with that bat-like hearing of yours, you heard me & Shara talking. Cally: I did. Me: And? Cally: I married the best Dad ever!

Me: Thenk yew. Cally: Oh, please. Me: Not even close? Cally: Honey? When you try to talk Southern… it only makes you sound more Northern.

Me: If a couple moved to The South & had kids, would the kids be Southern? Cally: If a cat had kittens in the oven, would they be biscuits?

I sigh heavily. Callie-Ann grins. Cally: You got Dixie Envy, that’s what you got. Me: Dixie Envy? Cally: The clearest case I have ever seen.

Me: Any cure? Cally: Well, marrying me & putting a bun in my oven is definitely a step in the right direction, I can tell you that right now

It’s kinda like a similarly-phrased concept in Freudian psychoanalysis which, in contemporary culture, sometimes refers inexactly or metaphorically to women who are presumed to wish they were men (or at least have their equipment).

I’ve gone on at some length as to why I love The South and I think it is fair to say that what spurs that love on is, in part, Dixie Envy.

It’s been a good many years since I was way down yonder in the land of cotton.

I wish I was in Dixie.

I miss it.

I love it.

I envy it.

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Why I Miss The South (Part 10): Biscuits

Yet another reason why I Miss The South…  Biscuits

“I miss your biscuits and your gravy
Fireflies dancing in the night
You have fed me. You have saved me
Billy Graham and Martha White”
~
(Southern Comfort Zone – Brad Paisley)

~

Great Granny’s Biscuits

Ingredients:

2 cups flour, all purpose
1 Tbsp sugar
2 tsp salt
1 tsp soda
4 tsp baking powder
2/3 cup (lard) shortening
2/3 cup buttermilk

Instructions:

Measure all dry ingredients into a large bowl. Cut in shortening until mixture looks like meal. Stir in buttermilk; add just enough buttermilk for soft easy to roll out dough.Round up dough on lightly floured board. Knead lightly 20 to 25 times, about 1 minute. Roll out until 3/4 inch thick. Cut with floured biscuit cutter or glass. Place on greased cookie sheet. Bake in a 450 degree F. oven for about 10 to 12 minutes.

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Granny’s Favorites Cookbooks

Granny’s Favorites Breads, Muffins, Biscuits……

by: Granny’s Favorites Cookbooks

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Homespun Southern Adages

My dear friend and professional colleague, EM, and I were sitting in a courtroom the other day, discussing simple homespun adages from The South.

We both have a soft spot for pithy precepts and little aphorisms that gladden the heart and give us words by which to live.

A well-coined phrase from south of the Mason-Dixon line [1] speaks to our depths.

Here’s an example…

Those who stir the shit… should be made to lick the spoon!

Someone should put that one on a doily.  Ah’m serious!

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[1] The Mason–Dixon line (or Mason’s and Dixon’s line) was surveyed between 1763 and 1767 by Charles Mason and Jeremiah Dixon in the resolution of a border dispute between British colonies in Colonial America. It is a demarcation line among four U.S. states, forming part of the borders of Pennsylvania, Maryland, Delaware, and West Virginia (then part of Virginia). (Wikipedia)

In popular usage, the Mason–Dixon line symbolizes a cultural boundary between the Northeastern and the Southern United States (Dixie).

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Sitting at the Dock of the Bacon!

Well, boys and girls…

Here we are again.

The American and Canadian obsession with bacon!

Now that Halloween is over…

And with American Thanksgiving and Christmas on the horizon…

The  popular imagination turns to thoughts of ham…

And more specifically… bacon.

The thought of a world without bacon gives some people the heebie-jeebies!

Some people try to pit bacon against wealth.

Some people try to mix bacon with other physical pleasures!

And some people try a fusion of bacon and Art.

Many history buffs do not ignore bacon’s glorious past.

Some people have gone so far as to threaten roughhousing at the thought of having their bacon burgled.

And then, there are the hopeless romantics.

Those of us with a fondness for and/or an attachment to The South have our own way to put a cultural spin on things.

(Chicken fried bacon)

And to some, thoughts of bacon are as ingrained as thoughts of sex

So whether you like your pig candy as a bold fashion statement…

Or not…

… until next time, I will leave bacon where it best belongs…

On a plate, waiting to kill you.

Thanks a million to my readers and myriad alleged friends who continue to send me bacon-related photos, videos and articles.

I can only say… You’re all sick and need to seek good professional help! 🙂

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Awe-Inspiring Trees (20): Oak Alley Plantation, Louisiana

Oak Alley Plantation, Louisiana

This magnificent ‘tree tunnel’ is situated on the banks of the Mississippi River

(Credit: i.mgur.com)

The canopied path is created by a double row of live oaks that was planted in the early 1700’s, long before the present house was built.

Yet one more reason why I miss The South!

The above text is based on the article “14 Magnificent Tree Tunnels” at Buzzfeed.com.

For a full-resolution image, click here.

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Please visit Oak Alley Plantation at their website and on their Facebook page!

Website: http://www.oakalleyplantation.com/

Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/oakalleyplantation

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