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Archive for the ‘The South’ Category

Bacon.

avocado(Bacon-wrapped avocado)

Yes. Bacon.

bacon-bowl

Again.

bacon-opoly(Saw this at Bass Pro Shops – couldn’t resist!)

Sorry, boys and girls.

bun(Bacon as bun!)

I know it’s been an unconscionably long time since my last blog.

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I’ve been busy.

end-violence

Like ‘nuts’ busy.

coconut-bacon(Original? There’s more than one?)

Not to worry, though.

explosion(An explosion of bacon!)

I swore to myself that the first thing I would do…

first-aid(In case of emergency, administer bacon!)

Once I got back to the old blog site…
frosting

 

 

(Because nothing says ‘birthday’ like bacon frosting!)

Was give you a bacon update!

garfield-bacon(Bacon has few fans as loyal as Garfield!)

And here it is.

house(Home sweet home!)

Just for you.

kosher-bacon-chips(Check out the bottom left corner. COR! It’s kosher!)

Enjoy.

low-carb-gluten-free

I’d say, “It’s good for you!”…

no-pig-bacon(Who’s behind this anarchist movement?)

But we all know I’d be toying with the truth.

super-power

Just when you thought the end was near…

sushi

And you’d given up all hope…

tooth-fairy

More bacon photos!

gold(Gold sprinkled bacon)

 

It gives life a sense of purpose.

jello(As far as I can tell, this is bacon/cheese jello)

OK, a few more.

weave-taco(Weave bacon taco!)

That bacon taco deserves another photo.

weave-choco-taco(Bacon taco with chocolate sauce and peanuts!)

I’ve been away for a while.

soap(Manly, yes. But I like it too!)

And I have a lot of bacon photos!

spam(Bacon wrapped spam!)

And when I say, “a lot”…

work-hard-be-kind

I mean “a lot!”

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Wake up and smell the bacon!

You know it was just a matter of time before Oscar Meyer would come up with an app for this!

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As we say down in Arkansas, “Yew just cain’t make this stuff up!

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Normally, one wouldn’t think insults would be a source of fondness and nostalgia.

The way phrases are turned in The South makes you rethink all of your notions about enjoying otherwise unpleasant things.

Here are a handful of my favourites…

Back in Papaw’s day, they would have kept him upstairs.

He ain’t hooked up right.

fiddle-possum

He’s about half a bubble off plumb.

His cheese done slid right off his cracker.

I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.

I wonder what she would charge to haunt a house.

No decent woman can afford to be seen with him.

fluent-redneck

‘Nough to gag a maggot.

She talks just to hear her head rattle.

She’s three pickles shy of a quart.

That man ain’t got the decency to die.

You’ll have to look over him, he ain’t had no home trainin’.

popcorn-sutton-moonshine(The Late Great Popcorn Sutton – bootlegger)

Your hair looks pretty good but your clothes needs something done.

She could start an argument in an empty house.

That girl’s not wearing enough fabric to flag down a train.

He’s old as sin and twice as ugly.

You lie like a dirty cur dog.

shoot-deer-motel

That dress is ugly as homemade sin.

He don’t got all what belongs to him.

She has her nose so high in the air she could drown in a rainstorm.

He’s as windy as a sack full of farts.

He’s country as a bowl of grits.

far-wood

He’s 10 pounds of manure in a 5 pound bag.

Useless as a screen door (or cat flap) on a submarine.

She looks like Death suckin’ a sponge.

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Here are three of the most effective yet subtle insults. When said properly, they can be devastating. And if you’re not from The South, you probably won’t even know you’re being insulted…

You’re not from around here, are you?

Bless your heart.

That’s nice.

bless-your-heart

Thenk yew!

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baconelement

William Wallace…

bacon-ants

I’m paraphrasing somewhat…

bacon-meter-2

But not by much…

bacon-rock-scissors

He was talking about freedom…

bacon-monthly

He was talking about Scotland…

drug-of-choice

He was talking about ridding themselves from oppression…

eitheryoulikebacon

But he may as well have been talking about…

everythinginmoderation

Bacon!

out-of-bacon

To some…

thats-all

Eating bacon is practically a constitutional right.

ttofu-smackdown

To others…

stacked

It’s practically a religion.

wedding-1

Yes. It’s true. These people had a ‘bacon theme’ wedding.

wedding-2

Why, do you ask? Well…

women-like-bacon

It sounded like a really good way to tell the world they are committed to each other…

funnyside-up

And to bacon.

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Thanks, as always, to my friends and readers who send me bacon-related photos.
I couldn’t have done it without you. Or people very much like you.

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Why I Miss the South: Dixie Envy

blue-ridge-mountains-sunset-from-southern-blue-ridge-parkway-dave-allen(Blue Ridge Mountains Sunset – Image credit: Dave  Allen)

In my Twitter novel, The Great Dead North, two characters (the Narrator “Me” and his wife, “Callie-Ann” [aka Cally] from Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina) have the following exchange one morning…

Me: I take it with that bat-like hearing of yours, you heard me & Shara talking. Cally: I did. Me: And? Cally: I married the best Dad ever!

Me: Thenk yew. Cally: Oh, please. Me: Not even close? Cally: Honey? When you try to talk Southern… it only makes you sound more Northern.

Me: If a couple moved to The South & had kids, would the kids be Southern? Cally: If a cat had kittens in the oven, would they be biscuits?

I sigh heavily. Callie-Ann grins. Cally: You got Dixie Envy, that’s what you got. Me: Dixie Envy? Cally: The clearest case I have ever seen.

Me: Any cure? Cally: Well, marrying me & putting a bun in my oven is definitely a step in the right direction, I can tell you that right now

It’s kinda like a similarly-phrased concept in Freudian psychoanalysis which, in contemporary culture, sometimes refers inexactly or metaphorically to women who are presumed to wish they were men (or at least have their equipment).

Luck-NC

I’ve gone on at some length as to why I love The South and I think it is fair to say that what spurs that love on is, in part, Dixie Envy.

It’s been a good many years since I was way down yonder in the land of cotton.

warning-rednecks

I wish I was in Dixie.

TheSouthWillRiseAgain

I miss it.

biscuits-n-gravy

I love it.

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I envy it.

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Yet another reason why I Miss The South…  Biscuits
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“I miss your biscuits and your gravy
Fireflies dancing in the night
You have fed me. You have saved me
Billy Graham and Martha White”
~
(Southern Comfort Zone – Brad Paisley)
~
great-grannys-biscuits

Great Granny’s Biscuits

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Ingredients:
2 cups flour, all purpose
1 Tbsp sugar
2 tsp salt
1 tsp soda
4 tsp baking powder
2/3 cup (lard) shortening
2/3 cup buttermilk
Instructions:
Measure all dry ingredients into a large bowl. Cut in shortening until mixture looks like meal. Stir in buttermilk; add just enough buttermilk for soft easy to roll out dough.Round up dough on lightly floured board. Knead lightly 20 to 25 times, about 1 minute. Roll out until 3/4 inch thick. Cut with floured biscuit cutter or glass. Place on greased cookie sheet. Bake in a 450 degree F. oven for about 10 to 12 minutes.
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Granny’s Favorites Breads, Muffins, Biscuits……

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These guys know how to tailgate like a boss.

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These photos were not taken in The South… but they should have been!

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Happy Thanksgiving! Happy Hanukah!

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The X-Grill  is Breakaway‘s own giant mobile barbeque grill. The Brain Child of the Dr. of Grillology Ken Foster, and brought to life by Gary Webb. The X-Grill began its life as an Oil Delivery Truck for us here at Hall Oil and the Oil Peddler, and has been reborn as a mobile barbeque.

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