“Hi, it’s me…
“What a pseudo-intellectual gasbag! I mean, did you believe what was going on last night? I don’t know about you but if he said another word about gay marriage, I was going to stick a fork in his neck! And that flotilla rant. If he’s so brave, let him start up a gay pride parade in Gaza. See what they think of his ‘open-mindedness’ there, the schmuck. Thank goodness you were there. It would have resulted in violence. He’s the one who would have needed a boatload of ‘medical supplies’, I can tell you that right now! Where does he get the chutzpah? Acting all righteous and indignant. He’s a basket case. An ethical train-wreck. Can’t he see what a sad joke he is? Does he think we have no memory of anything past a month? Does he think the world started this spring? We know! You and I both. We were there, the slimy dirtball!
“And what about that tchotchke at his side? Does he hang around college campuses, chatting up the freshmen girls? Yeah, yeah… I know what you’re gonna say. ‘She was very sweet.’ That’s what you always say. “Hey, I hear you met Countess Elizabeth Báthory last night? What did you think? ‘She was very sweet’!” And it’s not even her age that drove me insane. It was the way she was hanging on his every word. I wanted to slap her and shake her and scream, “Wake up! You’re admiring a morally bankrupt social degenerate human toad!” Why do I go to these things? Why do you let me take you to these things. Why don’t you slap me and shake me and scream, “Wake up!”?
“Anyway, the coffee was good and the chocolate cake was beyond sinful. Did she make it herself because if she did, she is a goddess from on high! How she puts up with that putz of hers is a mystery but hey, what do I know? Speaking of putz, why did you let me drink more than one glass of wine? You know that no good can come of it. I can’t shut up as it is! I need encouragement from a bottle? Honestly, if you weren’t so good at keeping me out of trouble, you’d be no use to me whatsoever. Just kidding!
“Oh, that reminds me, what are you doing tomorrow… or later today, I guess it would be? There’s this reception I got invited to tonight… some independent filmmaker is presenting some independent film on something independently film-worthy. I’m sure its dreadful, but still. Sounds like fun. Take me. I need you to be with me while I scarf down all the free food! For some reason, it’s not nearly as embarrassing when I have you with me.
“I know. I know. I’m reprehensible. It’s my strongest character trait. I have to go with it! Pick me up at eight?
“See you tonight. And wear something besides black. On second thought, black suits you. Don’t change a hair, you’re perfect. I’ll wear red. Blood stains don’t show up on it as much. Just kidding! I promise not to try to kill anyone. Unless they’re annoying. Or pseudo-intellectual gasbags with Catholic high school girls as dates.
“I love you! Sleep well. I can hear you snoring from my apartment!”