Loonies I Have Lunched With (Part 22): Alyssa Krabbykova

Most loonies with whom I have lunched are, as a general rule, positive, good-natured people.

With one notable exception…

Alyssa Krabbykova [1], the world’s crabbiest girl.

Alyssa is grumpy ALL THE TIME.

She lifts grouchy it to an art form.

Alyssa wakes up crabby. How is that possible? How does one wake up crabby? Nothing has happened yet!

And yet, people still love Alyssa despite her foul mood. Probably because of it.

I think part of it has to do with the fact that she is completely honest. She doesn’t put on the fake smile and the phony friendliness. When you talk with her, you get the genuine article – the Full Frontal Alyssa.

There’s something oddly disarming about that.

Alyssa used to work at my old hangout and office, The Café on Main. I swear, customers would come there, in part, to see if Alyssa would be more bored, impatient, frustrated, grouchy… in other words, even crabbier… than the day before. She rarely disappointed them.

(A rare shot of Alyssa not being so crabby)

I would like to think that most young ladies in the food service industry try to be pleasant, cheerful, friendly, etc, in order to make the customer happy. Alyssa adopted more of an ‘eat it and beat it’ philosophy. To her, customers were an annoying nuisance standing between her and the end of the day.

I am hoping to have the sincere pleasure of getting together with Alyssa later this week. I haven’t seen her in a while and I am wondering if time has mellowed the girl a bit. I don’t think I need worry. I am sure she will be every bit as crabby as she ever was.

Here’s to things never changing!

I miss you, Alyssa. Things just aren’t the same without your little bitter ray of sunshine.

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[1] ‘Krabbykova’ is not her real surname. But it should be.

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The Rules to Always Being a Gentleman

Learn it. Live it. Love it!

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Two Truths I Learned This Week

I learned two great truths this week.

“You don’t have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is because you’re a dumbass.”

One of the (many) problems with stupid people is that they do not fully appreciate just how colossally stupid they are. This make sense as it would involve a bit of self-analysis and some basic thinking.

This epiphany was followed by the second truth I learned this week.

“Sometimes you have to give up on people, not because you don’t care… but because they don’t.”

This one is particularly sad since it presumes you once cared enough about the person to get involved and try to help. At one point, you realize that of the two of you, you are the only one expending any effort. Often, it takes a long time to come to that point.

Which leads, I suppose, to the third truth I learned this week…

“Hope can be a terrible thing.”

Lessons learned the hard way.

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Things Orthodox Girls Say (And why I love them)!

When I am in The Heart of the Old World [1], there is a certain pervasive sound you hear… a kind of omnipresent background music… a gently swaying ‘bed track’ to the place. It is a general all-encompassing soundtrack permeating the entire area… made up from the voices of hundreds of Jewish girls and women.

It is useless trying to explain a symphony with words,. I will at least give you a tiny taste of some of the lyrics. Try to imagine the sing-song tones blending in and through each other, above and underneath each other, mixing and intertwining, separating and repeating, like a Bach fugue.

Those who know what I am talking about are well familiar with the melodies, counter-melodies, tempos and keys. To the uninitiated, I can only say that one cannot describe a colour adequately with words… it must be seen to be fully understood. Similarly, like a Shakespearean play, the words are meant to be heard, not read. [2]

At the grocery store, on the sidewalk, in the coffee shop, in the parking lot… it binds us and keeps us together. It forms a warm comforting blanket around us.

And now… let us listen… and hear those precious voices all around us…

Boruch HaShem! Im Yirtzeh HaShem. B’ezras HaShem!

It’s all shtuss. It’s just a bunch of shtuss.

Yes, bli neder. Absolutely, bli neder! Of course, bli neder!

 Make a brochah, Shmuley. Did you make an after-brochah?

Chas v’sholom! K’neine hora! Lo aleinu!

You hold by that? We don’t hold by that! Who holds by that?

Look at that punim! What a shayna punim! Can you believe the punim on this kid?

Where are you for Shabbes lunch? You’re coming for Shabbes dinner, right?

Where does he daven? What time do they finish davening over there?

She lives in Beit Shemesh now. Ramat Gan. She’s in Bnei Barak.

Monsey. Crown Heights. Lakewood. Boro Park.

She’s engaged? Who’s engaged? She’s getting married!

Mazel tov! How wonderful! They should know only joy and happiness.

Simchas. Only Simchas! Next by you. It should happen by you.

Narishkeit. I’ve never heard such narishkeit!

Really? You’re serious? You’re not serious. You are? Really?

When’s shkiah? What time is shkiah? When’s candle lighting?

What time’s Shabbes over? Come over for havdalah!

She’s a giyeres. They’re baalei tshuvah. Frum from birth.

They’re moving to Atlanta.  It’s a very nice community there.

As my Bubbie, olav hasholom, would day, “It’s from fainting!”

Are you ready for Pesach? Oy, please. Don’t remind me!

Where do you get your challah? You make your own!?

I buy frozen gefilte fish and bake it! It’s mamish ok.

We have an aufruffen to go to. I’m at a bar mitzvah.

Nu? Shoyn? Oy, a broch! Vey iz mir!

Zeit nisht meshiggah!

Genig shoyn. Enough, already!

Again with the shtuss?

In the Heart of the Old World, as it is in any Jewish neighbourhood, this is the soundtrack to our lives!

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[1] Bathurst Street in Toronto, between Lawrence and Wilson.

[2] This YouTube video, Shduss Frum Girls Say, although a comic look at the subject, gives you sort of a taste…

As does the second video in the series, Shduss Frum Girls Say 2…

And how can we leave out Passover Shtuss??…

These videos are the work of Zehava G, whose works can be found on YouTube at…

http://www.youtube.com/user/wllwrk4food?feature=plcp

Or on Facebook, at…

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Zehava-G/137144146317809?ref=h­l

Zehava… you’re the best!

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The National Relationships Board

I recall being in a big city law library years ago and seeing four freshly-minted and most attractive young female lawyers. It was a Friday afternoon and I asked what wild and woolly plans they had for the weekend. They said, “nothing much.”

Nothing much?? No dates? No being taken out to restaurants and movies? No romantic weekends somewhere, far away from the drudgery of the law?

The general consensus among that sad little group of young ladies was that guys of their vintage were either intimidated by intelligent successful women or their tastes drifted toward the ‘easier and skankier’ members of their sisterhood. Guys their age tended to follow the path of least resistance, both intellectually and sexually.

(Why is she working Friday night instead of going on a date??)

I was agog and aghast. This situation, rather widespread according to that mopey little gaggle of girls, could not be allowed to continue. It was an outrage. An affront to common decency. Steps of some sort needed to be taken.

The need for Big Brother to step in and take things firmly in hand was obvious. Thus, the idea for “The Board” was born.

I have long believed that there should be some kind of government tribunal… The National Relationships Board or The Federal Dating Tribunal… something along those lines.

Guys… and by this I mean otherwise decent, appropriate and eligible young men [1]… would be hauled up before the panel to account for themselves as to why perfectly lovely, charming girls aren’t being taken out on dates by decent boyfriends who treat them right.

(You got some ‘splainin’ to do, son!)

Very severe penalties would be handed down to those who cannot give good reasons as to why so many gorgeous girls are left standing on the relationship sidelines.

Any guy who could not provide a good excuse (let alone string together a grammatically cogent phrase) would be dealt with in the most severe manner.

The Tribunal’s motto… Pull Up Your Pants; You Look Like an Idiot!

Naturally, I would be head of the tribunal because I see on a daily basis how so many wonderful young ladies are reduced to putting up with rude, crude, thoughtless, heartless, brainless morons. And that’s when they can find guys in the first place!

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[1] There being a glut of inappropriate guys and an apparent dearth of good guys, the Board would concentrate on the latter. As a girl can’t swing a cat without smacking some loser with it, The Board would concentrate on the eligible yet clueless within the pool of available men.

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Waking Up With an Italian Accent?

How weird would it be going from day-to-day speaking your native language with an Italian accent, even though you’ve never set foot in Italy. [1] 

As the mangia-cakes over at United-Academics.org report, it can happen.

(Nicolas Cage in ‘Captain Corelli’s Mandolin’ – Worst Italian accent ever)

This rare medical condition is known as the Foreign Accent Syndrome. When suffering a brain injury, such as a stroke, the speech center of the brain can get affected. As a result, a speech impediment can occur that may cause a patient to pronounce his or her native language with an accent that to the ear of the listeners may be mistaken as foreign.

(Carlo Rota as Yakavetta [2] in ‘Boondock Saints’ – 2nd worst Italian accent ever)

Watch the video below to hear the speech of a woman suffering from the Foreign Accent Syndrome.

Per la miseria!

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Mariën, P, Verhoeven, J, Wackenier, P, Engelborghs, S, & De Deyn, P (2009). Foreign accent syndrome as a developmental motor speech disorder Cortex, 45 (9), 870-878 DOI: 10.1016/j.cortex.2008.10.010

[1] It wouldn’t have been weird for me since I grew up with everyone around me speaking with Italian accents. If anything, I’d have blended in better!

[2] N.B: The Italian alphabet does not have the letter ‘k’ (or the letters j, w, x or y, for that matter). Maybe that explains the abysmally bad accent.

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Why I Miss The South (Part 7): Tough Southern Girls

Steel magnolias, they call them.

(“So… you say you’re a feminist. Inn’t that cute?”)

Sweet as jam…

(Hee Haw’s Cathy Baker)

and tough as nails.

(“Now.. Ah know yew are not gonna make me repeat mahself”)

 These girls brook no backchat.

(Ah cain’t wait to see the look on his face when I blow that hat off his head!)

They’re not bitchy. Far from it. They are the sweetest, kindest, most big-hearted girls you will ever meet.

But Lord help you if you do them wrong.

(Well, if it isn’t that lyin’, cheatin’ bastard coming up my driveway!)

A Southern Girl will tell you to go to Hell in a way that almost makes you look forward to the trip!

I miss their masterful flirting. I miss their refreshing honesty. I miss the laughter that comes straight from their hearts.

(The lovely Angela Johnson – one more reason to love Alabama)

I miss the way they talk and the sounds of their voices.

I miss the Belles and their strength of character. I miss the Redneck Girls and their passionate love of life.

In a very real sense, these wonderful women ARE The South.

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Tisha B’Av begins at sunset this Saturday night

The ninth day of Av  (Tisha B’Av) is perhaps the saddest day in the Jewish calendar.

It is the day we commemorate and mourn the tragic events that occurred on that day.

(Romans carrying the Menorah taken from the Temple of Jerusalem)

Tisha B’Av in History

On Tisha B’Av, many national calamities occurred:

• During the time of Moses, Jews in the desert accepted the slanderous report of the 12 Spies, and the decree was issued forbidding them from entering the Land of Israel. (1312 BCE)

• The First Temple was destroyed by the Babylonians, led by Nebuchadnezzar. 100,000 Jews were slaughtered and millions more exiled. (586 BCE)

• The Second Temple was destroyed by the Romans, led by Titus. Some two million Jews died, and another one million were exiled. (70 CE)

• The Bar Kochba revolt was crushed by Roman Emperor Hadrian. The city of Betar — the Jews’ last stand against the Romans — was captured and liquidated. Over 100,000 Jews were slaughtered. (135 CE).

• The Temple area and its surroundings were ploughed under by the Roman general Turnus Rufus. Jerusalem was rebuilt as a pagan city — renamed Aelia Capitolina — and access was forbidden to Jews.

• The Spanish Inquisition culminated with the expulsion of Jews from Spain on Tisha B’Av in 1492.

• World War One broke out on the eve of Tisha B’Av in 1914 when Germany declared war on Russia. German resentment from the war set the stage for the Holocaust.

• On the eve of Tisha B’Av 1942, the mass deportation began of Jews from the Warsaw Ghetto, en route to Treblinka.

(To this day. Jews pray at the Kotel [Western Wall] – what remains of the ancient Temple compound)

The Tisha B’av fast begins Saturday, July 28th at sunset. It ends approximately 24 and a half hours later, Sunday night. Check for local times in your area.

May you have an easy fast and may HaShem protect and save the Jewish people from the hands of those who wish to destroy us.

(My son at the Kotel)

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What’s With The Bacon??

I’ve given it a lot of thought and I’ve come to this conclusion…

… in Canada and the United States, bacon is the closest thing to a religion without actually being one.

I’m serious. It’s more than a mere fixation. It’s more than a national obsession.

People ADORE bacon.

I’ve heard people say (and mean) that they would seriously consider converting to Judaism but…

(Bacon sundae)

… just the thought of life without bacon is something that is, to them, simply unbearable.

I don’t get the obsession.

Sure, bacon tastes great but a lot of things taste great.

(The Bacone!)

Ice cream cones taste great.

(Chocolate-covered bacon – with sprinkles)

Chocolate tastes great.

Candy tastes great.

(Bacon cinnamon buns)

Cinnamon rolls taste great.

Mom’s apple pie tastes great.

And yet none of these foods even come close to the infatuation people have with bacon.

It goes WAY beyond liking it as a food. There is an emotional attachment at play here.

It is a national icon.

I will continue to try to understand this passion for bacon. I’m not sure I will succeed.

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Why I Miss The South (Part 3): Hey, y’all! Watch this!!

There is a kind of ‘laugh in the face of death’ bravura found in The South that you just don’t find anywhere else.

And just as well.

A common expression is that a southern guy’s last words are usually, “Hey, y’all! Watch this!!”

(Just about everything here began with a “Hey y’all! Watch this!”)

A good motto would be, “Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.”

This attitude crosses over to all levels of society and all manners of activity. You can find extremism everywhere.

But it is at the Southern Redneck level that the “Hey, y’all! Watch this!!” mindset reaches its apex.

For example, food…

(Hey y’all! Watch me eat this!)

Fashion…

Child rearing…

Child fashion…

Hunting…

Even portraits!

(Tell me this photo didn’t start off with a ‘Hey y’all. Watch this!!’)

You watch out of a sense of morbid curiosity.

Sometimes, you look away. Sometimes you just can’t tear your eyes from what is happening.

Either way, it is one of the many reasons why I Miss The South.

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