Now THIS is a store!

When I am really honest with myself, this is what I would love an Italian grocery store to be…

They would carry everything you need. Maybe not everything you want… but definitely everything you need.

(Baccalà!)

Pasta, bread, cheese, meat, onions, garlic, peppers, tomatoes, oregano, basil, rosemary… maybe some fruits and nuts.

(Castagne arrostite!)

They might also have a few little things extra.

Espresso percolators…

… Italian playing cards…

… pizzelle irons.

My first wife, Susan, and I were right around the corner from such a place when we lived in St. Clair & Dufferin neighbourhood in Toronto in the late 70s.

(Frutta e verdura!)

What I wouldn’t give to live once again a 2-minute walk from a place like this!

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Waking Up With an Italian Accent?

How weird would it be going from day-to-day speaking your native language with an Italian accent, even though you’ve never set foot in Italy. [1] 

As the mangia-cakes over at United-Academics.org report, it can happen.

(Nicolas Cage in ‘Captain Corelli’s Mandolin’ – Worst Italian accent ever)

This rare medical condition is known as the Foreign Accent Syndrome. When suffering a brain injury, such as a stroke, the speech center of the brain can get affected. As a result, a speech impediment can occur that may cause a patient to pronounce his or her native language with an accent that to the ear of the listeners may be mistaken as foreign.

(Carlo Rota as Yakavetta [2] in ‘Boondock Saints’ – 2nd worst Italian accent ever)

Watch the video below to hear the speech of a woman suffering from the Foreign Accent Syndrome.

Per la miseria!

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Mariën, P, Verhoeven, J, Wackenier, P, Engelborghs, S, & De Deyn, P (2009). Foreign accent syndrome as a developmental motor speech disorder Cortex, 45 (9), 870-878 DOI: 10.1016/j.cortex.2008.10.010

[1] It wouldn’t have been weird for me since I grew up with everyone around me speaking with Italian accents. If anything, I’d have blended in better!

[2] N.B: The Italian alphabet does not have the letter ‘k’ (or the letters j, w, x or y, for that matter). Maybe that explains the abysmally bad accent.

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Loonies I Have Lunched With (Part 9): Practical Jokers

Have you ever eaten anything that you thought was one thing and then, after it was in your mouth, you discover to your horror that it was something entirely different?

(Nonna cooking up some Timbits)

Let me give you an example. Italian grandmother cooking up some meatballs in a skillet, placing the cooked meatballs onto a platter. Little five-year-old grandson comes into the room, sees a platter of what he thinks are Timbits. Child asks his sweet, adorable grandmother if he can have some Timbits. Nonna, who has a sick sense of humour, says, “Sure!” Kid bites into Timbit expecting a sweet, tasty treat and, instead, gets a mouthful of meat, fat, garlic, onions and parsley. Grandson makes horrible icky face. Nonna falls over laughing, thinking the whole shtick is the cutest thing she’s ever seen. Kid bursts into tears and spends years on psychiatrist’s couch trying to get over culinary child abuse.

(Some restaurants are a bit TOO dark!)

I had occasion to witness another example of this kind of evil subterfuge ages ago when some alleged friends of mine and I were having dinner in a dimly lit steakhouse. Gullible Friend was having some difficulty making out what was on his plate through the gloom of the dining room. He lifted a forkful of something and peered at it, trying to figure things out. Evil Friend helpfully suggested that it was mashed potatoes. Gullible Friend smiled and put the forkful into his mouth. His eyes bugged out and he began choking. Evil Friend cackled at her cleverness in fooling someone into eating a heapin’ helpin’ of horseradish.

(Mashed potatoes… or death on a spoon? [Photo Eve Fox])

I’ve never been a fan of practical jokes. I just don’t think they’re funny.

Practical jokes involving anything that needs to be ingested as part of the gag are, to me, particularly not funny.

People grimacing or spitting out food does not crack me up in the least.

Stop it.

Now…

Would you care for a Timbit?

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Jamie Oliver’s Simple Summer Spaghetti

Saw this over at Jamie Oliver’s website. Sounds wonderful, especially on hot days when you don’t feel like doing a lot of cooking.

A really simple, quick and amazingly tasty pasta dish which always hits the spot and will impress your mates. Try baking some fish filets over the herby tomatoes… it’s fantastic.

 (© David Loftus)

Ingredients

• 500g mixed red and yellow cherry tomatoes, halved
• 150g good black olives, stoned
• 1 clove of garlic, peeled and finely chopped
• 1 tablespoon red wine vinegar
• a bunch of fresh lemon basil, leaves picked
• a bunch of fresh marjoram, leaves picked
• 10 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
• 400g spaghetti or linguine
• sea salt and freshly ground black pepper

Method

In a large bowl, scrunch the tomatoes with your hands to slightly mush them. Mix in the olives, garlic and vinegar. Tear in the basil and marjoram leaves and pour in the olive oil. Allow to sit for 10 minutes.

Cook your pasta in salted boiling water according to the packet instructions until al dente. Drain and quickly toss in with the tomatoes. Call your guests around the table, then taste the juice at the bottom of the bowl and adjust the seasoning if you feel it needs it. Serve right away.

Stay cool!

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Linguine Aiglo e Olio

This simple Italian pasta dish is a wonderful change from spaghetti with tomato sauce. (Not that there’s anything wrong with it!)

OK… this dish (as the name suggests) contains basically three main ingredients:

Linguine (You can also use spaghetti, spaghettini or even fettucine, if you prefer);

Aiglo (i.e. Garlic. If you’re a big garlic fan, add more!); and

Olio (i.e. Oil, specifically olive oil. Get a good kind. A nice green extra virgin olive oil)

The garlic is a key element, so it is crucial that you don’t overcook the garlic. It doesn’t look all that great and, what’s worse, browned garlic tastes bitter and will spoil the flavour of the dish.

I personally like adding red chili pepper flakes but if you have an aversion to hot and spicy, feel free to leave it out. Same with the parsley. Some people love it; some find it annoying.

This recipe yields 4 servings.

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Ingredients

• 1/2 pound  linguine (or spaghetti, spaghettine, fettucine)
• 1/3 cup extra virgin olive oil
• 4 cloves minced garlic (adjust up or down depending on taste)
• 1/4 teaspoon red pepper, flakes (optional)
• 1/4 cup chopped Italian parsley (optional)
• coarse salt, and freshly cracked black pepper
• grated parmesan or romano cheese (or a 50-50 blend of both)

Directions

1. Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Add pasta and cook until al dente (about 8 minutes).
2. Drain.
3. While pasta is cooking, heat oil over low heat in a small saucepan.
4. Add garlic and saute just until garlic softens but does not brown, about 2 to 3 minutes. DO NOT OVERCOOK!!
5. Remove from heat.
6. Add pepper flakes to garlic/oil sauce (optional).
7. Toss sauce and pasta in a large bowl with tongs.
8. Add salt and pepper and cheese to taste.
9. Sprinkle with fresh chopped parsley (optional).

Additional Twists:

• Cook the oil and garlic in a large heavy skillet and add the cooked pasta directly into the pan, turning off the heat and tossing well. Transfer to large bowl or individual plates and sprinkle with cheese and parsley;
• In the large skillet, sauté some thinly slivered green pepper and/or sweet onions first, then add the chopped garlic 2 minutes before the green pepper/onions are done. This gives the green pepper/onions a ‘head start’ and doesn’t overcook the garlic.
• For extra flavour, add in a tin of anchovies with or instead of the green peppers! The anchovies kind of melt when cooked so it spreads evenly throughout the sauce.

Kosher Korner:

• This dish is basically pareve (neither meat nor dairy), until the last minute, since you add the cheese right at the end. Leave the cheese out and you can use this dish as the pasta course in a fleishig (meat) meal.
• NB: While this dish (without the cheese) can be served at a meat meal, if you are going to add anchovies be careful not to serve the pasta together with or at the same time as meat (i.e. adding meatballs to it or as a side dish to meat) because of the prohibition against consuming fish and meat at the same time. There is, however, no such prohibition against serving it before a meat course… just not at the same time.

Have fun with this quick and easy dish.

Buon appetito!

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Disturbing Revelation in Lugano!

Many years ago, I was travelling with family in Northern Italy and we went into Switzerland for a brief visit… a day trip around Lake Lugano.

(Lugano, Switzerland)

This is not to be confused with Lake Como, Italy, which is a different lake on the Italian side of the border. I’ve sometimes seen photos mislabeled ‘Lake Como, Switzerland’ or ‘Lugano, Italy’. Lugano (on Lake Lugano) is Switzerland’s largest Italian speaking city but… it’s not in Italy. Como (on Lake Como) is near Switzerland but not IN Switzerland.

But I am straying from the point of my story.

OK, it went like this. After a nice auto-tour of the lake, we stopped in Lugano to walk around, take pictures, look at the shops and the lake and the mountains. It was all so beautiful. The air and water were crisp and clean. The sky was a deep shade of blue that you just don’t see in the place where I was raised in Canada.

And the people! Even the people were good-looking. The pretty girls strolling along the streets. The sweet middle-aged couple walking their dog. The kids were adorable. The old people were cute. The mailman was good-looking. The police officer was good-looking. The old guy on the bicycle was good-looking. The lady carrying her groceries was good-looking.

I started to detect a disturbing pattern. I began looking for unattractive people. In stores and cafes. Up and down the lake shore. Along narrow side streets. Everyone… EVERYONE was good-looking. The closest I came to seeing a person of even average aspect was a little old lady sitting near the doorway of a clock shop… and even she was cute as a button.

(I see Swiss People)

My search became more desperate. I was looking for someone… anyone… who was at least slightly unattractive, plain or even frumpy. After an hour, I would have happily settled for ordinary.

But it was not to be. Sad and dejected, I climbed back into the car, no longer able to ignore the plain unvarnished truth.

I was the ugliest person in Switzerland.

For me, it was a long, quiet ride back to Como.

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Bento Box Lunch

As I wrote recently in my piece Mangia Cake, when I was a kid growing up, I knew Italian moms put a lot into the lunches they made for us. I was pretty impressed by the time and effort spent just so we could have something good and filling to eat at school.

Then I saw Bento Box lunches… and my jaw dropped.

I couldn’t believe my eyes!

Japanese moms made these things for their kids…. To take to school with them… And eat?

Are you kidding me??

I’m glad we didn’t have any Japanese kids at St Mary’s when I was in grade school. We couldn’t have handled it.

And for the poor mangia cake kids… their heads would have exploded.

The Lady Bug Sandwich bento (below) is from WordPress’s own SusanYuen.

You HAVE to check out her blog, Hawai’i's Bento Box Cookbook, Bentos and More for Kids, to appreciate the artistry and imagination that goes into her Bento creations. Very well done, Susan. I am SO impressed; you’ve no idea!

Sorry, Ma. Sorry. Nonna. I hate to say it, but they got you beat on this one!

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Mangia Cake

Mario: “Hey, Brian… What the hell are you eatin’?”

Brian: “Peanut butter and jelly on white bread.”

Mario: (shaking head in disbelief, muttering) “Effen’ mangia cake.” [1]

When I was a kid growing up, I knew Italian moms put a lot into the food they made for us, figuratively and literally. At noon, my friends and I at St Mary’s Elementary School got oohs and aahs from some of our more ethnically-challenged classmates. The exotic ingredients, let alone the sheer size and volume of our mama/nonna-prepared lunches, astonished the non-European student body.

The Polish and Hungarian kids knew what it was to have such love-stuffed goodness. They smiled at us and nodded with respect, displaying their own mouth-watering treasure troves.

The Irish,  Scottish and English kids… or the ones whose great-grandparents, regardless of nationality or mix of nationalities, immigrated so long ago that their families had been put through a kind of ethnic deflavorizor… merely stared at us with barely concealed envy, then looked with sadness at their butter and peanut butter and white bread sandwiches. These miserable blonde, ginger or red-haired freckled children had no ‘garlic’ left in their veins, if indeed there ever was any in them to begin with.

In the collective Italian imagination, these poor souls never knew what ‘real food’ was like. They were more to be pitied than anything else. Having grown up with tasteless bland fare, when given a choice between a magnificent dinner of minestrone,  spaghetti, meatballs, sausages, Italian bread and a variety of cheeses… these sad deprived wretches would just as soon eat cake.

Hence the expression ‘mangia cake’… cake eater.

Mangia cake is neither a racial slur nor is it a term of hatred, exactly. While derisive, derogatory and even somewhat contemptuous in nature, it is more an expression of pity than anything else.

Deep down, we felt sorry for them. “Eh, c’mon! It’s not their fault they’re mangia-cakes. I mean, who’d ever CHOOSE to be that way?”

So for all you cakes out there, and Lord knows there are an awful lot of you… this is a cute YouTube video recorded a few years ago at The Rivoli on Queen Street West in Toronto…

The Doo Wops singing “Mangia Cake Girl“

Enjoy!

(You effen mangia cakes!)

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[1] Mangia Cake (also spelled ‘mangia-cake’ and ‘mangiacake’). [Literally,  'cake eater']. A derogatory Italo-Canadian term for white people of British (especially WASP) or mixed Anglo-European descent, especially those whose families have been in the country for several generations. Italians would view the typical daily diet of Anglo-Canadians to be based on refined white flour and sugar and concluded these people had a preference for ‘cake’ as opposed to ‘real food.’

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