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Archive for the ‘Society’ Category

If you’ve spent any time in The South, I’m fairly confident that you will have heard your fair share of “sirs” and “ma’ams,” and in a culture and society where civility and common decency… let alone chivalry… are becoming all but extinct, this is breath of fresh air.

Etiquette… manners, for lack of a better word… is still taught in many segments of The South.

In polite circles, gentlemen still stand when a lady enters the room. Gentlemen nod with perhaps the slightest of bows when they take their leave of a lady. Doors are opened for ladies. Chairs are pulled out and tucked in. “Ladies first” rarely needs to be said… it is a given.

The old saying is that if a woman’s car breaks down at the side of the road, all she has to do is lift the hood and stand by her car. Not 5 minutes will go by before some gentleman… even a truckload of them… will pull up and offer her a hand. My dearly beloved friend from Arkansas, Danielle, confirms this. “Hell… they LIVE for that kind of stuff!”

In grocery stores, gentlemen routinely allow ladies to go ahead in the checkout line. If a lady needs a shopping cart (or buggy, as they are often called), a gentleman will offer to give her his own.

While not born or raised in The South, I’ve adopted the practice of calling just about everyone Sir or Ma’am. I get mixed reactions, to be sure. Some girls think it is quaint or cute. Some women take it as a remark that they look older than they are.

One lady, I believe at the post office, smiled wistfully and said to me, “I can’t remember the last time someone called me Ma’am!”

She patted my arms and said, “Don’t ever stop doing that.”

I do not intend to!

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Saw this disturbing article the other day at the Telegram.co.uk…

Chinese toddler’s karaoke tantrum ends in bloodbath

Now before you have visions of berserk toddlers going on a murderous rampage, let me assure you that is not the case. Well, at least not here.

(Somebody is NOT happy!)

It was more like…

“Toddler’s refusal to give up the microphone during a

family karaoke evening started a quarrel that left

two men hacked to death with a meat cleaver!”

(Are you ready to rumble??)

OK, here’s what happened. A couple were celebrating the Qixi Festival (i.e. China’s Valentine’s Day), with a singing session at a local karaoke parlour. So far, so good. Trouble starts when the parents’ four-year-old son hogs the karaoke mike and the doting parents were indulging him. [1]

(Beijing… we have a problem)

Mayhem ensues when two of the karaoke kid’s uncles berate the father for having raised such a spoiled child;  a “Little Emperor”, as the Chinese say [2]. Push literally comes to shove, then shoving proceeds to punching. A nephew grabs a meat cleaver and hacks the uncles to death.

(The problem solver)

Sadly, this is not an isolated incident. Karaoke-related violence is a real problem in the East.

Other karaoke massacres have taken place in the Philippines, where the Frank Sinatra song ‘My Way‘ has had to be removed from many songbooks after sub-standard renditions provoked a string of killings.

(Clearly a trouble-maker)

In Thailand, meanwhile, a man shot eight of his neighbours, including his brother-in-law, after tiring of their tuneless reprisals of John Denver’s ‘Country Roads.’

(An incitement to violence)

In the United States, a woman punched a man for continuing to sing Coldplay’s ‘Yellow’ after she had told him he was not up to the task.

(It would have driven Mother Teresa to violence)

In her defence… it WAS a karaoke version of Coldplay’s ‘Yellow!’

Ghandi would have punched this guy out!

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[1] NB: Karaoke is taken very seriously, not just in China but throughout Asia.

[2] There is no shortage of criticism inside China for the bad behaviour of the Little Emperors, the children raised under the strict one-child policy and doted on by their parents and grandparents.

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My bacon blog articles have provoked a steady stream of photos and suggestions.

Here are just a few.

From my very own daughter, Exhibit One…

(Hello Kitty Bacon!)

From my darling friend Michele Waters…

(Maple Bacon Gelato)

From a dearly beloved friend in The South…

(You can’t be serious! This must be a joke!)

Just when you thought breakfast couldn’t get any faster…

(Breakfast in a cup!)

And from a geeky nerdling friend of mine…

(Bacon Imperial Walker!)

I’ve come to the conclusion that bacon… like death, taxes and zombies… is unavoidable.

(Sweet Lord Almighty!)

Bacon is the black hole of food.

(Refleshing!)

Its pull is just too great. Nothing can escape it!

(It’s the real thing!)

Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated!

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I’ve given this a lot of thought and have come to two conclusions.

One: most people don’t know how properly to flirt. This is because…

Two: most people don’t know what flirting is.

Flirting is as complex as it is fundamental.

Flirting is about communicating with a person through a careful procedure that involves a little curiosity, a bit of brevity and laughter, and some meaningful glances and smiles. While it can be aggressive and obvious, I personally put this overt style of flirting in the ‘hitting on someone’ category.

To me, flirting is quiet and subtle. A look that lingers a moment longer than it otherwise would. The tiniest of smiles. The most seemingly innocent double entendre or Freudian slip. A meaningful exchange of glances in reaction to what a third person says. The most subtle of body language. Ideally, only the most observant of bystanders would even know there was any flirting going on at all.

One popular fact that gets tossed around a great deal is that scientists believe there are as many as 52 “flirting signals” used by humans around the world.

I don’t know how or where the scientists picked up such information but speaking strictly for myself the Number One Undisputed Capital of Flirting, bar none, is The South.

There is something about the flirting that goes on south of the Mason-Dixon Line.

Flirting is not merely a skill way down yonder in the land of cotton… it has been elevated, refined and transformed into an Art!

It is through the art of flirtation that people in The South experience the pleasures of interacting with the opposite sex.

Flirting can be a means by which to get into a relationship, of course. It is certainly an enjoyable way to get to know someone initially.

But to me, flirting is an end in and of itself. It doesn’t have to lead anywhere else. To me, flirting is its own reward.

And when flirting with a Southern Girl… the rewards are immeasurable.

It’s been 12 years since I went down to The South. It’s been 12 years since I’ve experienced Flirtation as Art.

Nothing compares. Nothing comes close.

I miss it.

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One of the things I miss most about The South is the Stars and Bars.

Otherwise known as the Confederate Battle Flag. [1]

Now I am mindful of that fact that this particular flag is a controversial image. There have been protests and petitions trying to get the Stars and Bars removed from state flags and even to stop flying the flag on schools, government buildings and other public property.

I’m not a part of that history. I wasn’t born in The South. I’m not even American. The baggage associated with the Stars and Bars is something I don’t carry. I can have positive feelings about that flag because I can pick and choose the things with which I associate it.

And I am the first to admit that my associations with the flag have virtually nothing to do with reality and everything to do with a fictional romanticized concept of what I personally feel the flag and The South was, is and should be.

I am sometimes met with a mixture of righteous indignation and moral outrage on this subject. “How would you feel if someone expressed positive feelings about the swastika and Nazi Germany?” Truth be told, I probably wouldn’t feel too good about it. That’s probably because I have a connection to that symbol and what it means.

But all that doesn’t seem to have any effect on me when it comes to the Confederate Battle Flag. Maybe it should… but it just doesn’t.

All the times I’ve been down in The South… all the people I’ve met and befriended… all the places I’ve been to while I was there… all have been positive experiences for me.

When I think of The South, I have nothing but good memories and good feelings. When I think of The South, I remember friends and loved ones.

When I think of The South… I picture the Stars and Bars.

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[1] Also known as The Confederate Naval Jack.

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Thanks to the geeks and nerdlings over at United Academics Magazine for this one!

It seems that sex isn’t that fun for all of us. Some men, for example, suffer terrible headaches during and after orgasm that may last for several hours or even a few days. In addition, there are women who are persistently in a state of sexual arousal and as a consequence may have hundreds of orgasms a day, making a normal life impossible.

Maybe less severe but definitely embarrassing is the condition in which sex triggers uncontrollable fits of sneezing. And this may happen not only when experiencing an orgasm, but also whenever someone just thinks about sex.

Researchers who investigated the link are not yet sure why sex and sneezing are linked in some people, but they suspect it is due to a faulty connection in the autonomic nervous system that controls both the sneeze reflex and sexual responses. This mechanism may also account for other reported unusual causes of sneezing, such as exposure to bright light (aka photogenic sneezing).

Although there are few reported cases of the sneeze reflex in response to sexual thoughts and orgasm, the researchers believe the bizarre phenomenon may be more common than expected. Possibly people are embarrassed and don’t want to talk about it, they argue.

“Further investigation in this field may help us to understand the sneeze reflex in more depth, and also allow us to give explanation and reassurance to the possibly significant number of people affected by this curious phenomenon,” the researchers wrote in the Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine.

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My last bacon-related post set off an avalanche of requests [1] for more bacon unrelated bacon-related products!

Sure, there are bacon-flavoured products that raise the old eyebrows…

But what about products that are bacon-inspired yet serve no edible purpose.

Bacon clothing, for example…

Or bacon personal products?

Or bacon-inspired nerdy t-shirt products?

Bacon shoes…

Or slippers!

Bacon-scented candles…

Bacon suits for the kiddies!

How about a bacon iPad cover!

Bacon home decor!

Yes, bacon is everywhere…

(Bacon Xmas decorations!)

To bacon infinity and beyond!

It’s as if Canada and the U.S. have become one giant Bacon Land!

As they say, “It’s to die for!”

You’re welcome!

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[1] One.

(Thanks to Stephen Balen for the bacon photo inspiration!)

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I’ve given it a lot of thought and I’ve come to this conclusion…

… in Canada and the United States, bacon is the closest thing to a religion without actually being one.

I’m serious. It’s more than a mere fixation. It’s more than a national obsession.

People ADORE bacon.

I’ve heard people say (and mean) that they would seriously consider converting to Judaism but…

(Bacon sundae)

… just the thought of life without bacon is something that is, to them, simply unbearable.

I don’t get the obsession.

Sure, bacon tastes great but a lot of things taste great.

(The Bacone!)

Ice cream cones taste great.

(Chocolate-covered bacon – with sprinkles)

Chocolate tastes great.

Candy tastes great.

(Bacon cinnamon buns)

Cinnamon rolls taste great.

Mom’s apple pie tastes great.

And yet none of these foods even come close to the infatuation people have with bacon.

It goes WAY beyond liking it as a food. There is an emotional attachment at play here.

It is a national icon.

I will continue to try to understand this passion for bacon. I’m not sure I will succeed.

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There is a kind of ‘laugh in the face of death’ bravura found in The South that you just don’t find anywhere else.

And just as well.

A common expression is that a southern guy’s last words are usually, “Hey, y’all! Watch this!!”

(Just about everything here began with a “Hey y’all! Watch this!”)

A good motto would be, “Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.”

This attitude crosses over to all levels of society and all manners of activity. You can find extremism everywhere.

But it is at the Southern Redneck level that the “Hey, y’all! Watch this!!” mindset reaches its apex.

For example, food…

(Hey y’all! Watch me eat this!)

Fashion…

Child rearing…

Child fashion…

Hunting…

Even portraits!

(Tell me this photo didn’t start off with a ‘Hey y’all. Watch this!!’)

You watch out of a sense of morbid curiosity.

Sometimes, you look away. Sometimes you just can’t tear your eyes from what is happening.

Either way, it is one of the many reasons why I Miss The South.

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Whether it’s Deep-Fried Twinkies…

Bacon Cheeseburgers with Krispy Kreme Donut Buns…

Or Turtle Burgers…

One of the things I miss most about The South is the penchant for extreme food.

This is not to say that all or even most people in The South partake in such culinary excesses. But there is a weird ‘Hey, y’all! Watch this!’ kind of dread fascination with extreme food – a sort of ‘Yew cain’t make this shit up!’ world view that lets you watch it out of a bizarre curiosity.

(The Schnitzel Tower Sandwich!)

How about this… a quadruple-cutlet hash brown sandwich with bacon and cheese: 1 veal, 1 pork and 2 chicken schnitzels (fried breaded cutlets), layered with 4 hash browns, 10 rashers of bacon and mozzarella. I can almost feel my heart valves slamming shut now!

(They call it… The Double-Wide!)

Or this… Chicken fried steak, bacon, cheese, lettuce, tomato, sandwiched between two bacon waffles. Affectionately known as The Double-Wide, the name (like the sandwich) operates on many levels. Is it merely descriptive of the sandwich? Or is it a reference to the famous double-wide trailers popular in The South?

Or is it taking a poke at the kind of person who might order something like this Fourth of July Fireworks Burger?

(Hopefully, this isn’t the result of someone who exploded after eating one of the above dishes)

No matter how you slice it… it’s The South!

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Special thanks to CaveManCircus.com for some of the food ideas and photos.

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