Bacon – The Never-Ending Story

Yes, boys and girls, geeks and nerdlings, it’s time for yet another installment in our continuing series…

What’s With The Bacon??

As I have commented many times…

It’s not so much my interest in bacon, per se…

It’s my fascination with people’s obsession with bacon.

From classic bacon usage…

(Swizzle sticks)

To the unusual…

(Fred Flintstone would approve)

To the far-fetched…

To the truly bizarre…

There always seems to be more and more room for bacon appreciation.

It never ceases to amaze me how so many people are devoted to bacon…

(Gift wrapping paper)

Especially in the area of merchandising.

(I mean really!!)

Let’s face it…

Bacon provides a fertile ground for expression…

Political commentary, satire…

(Occupy bacon!)

Art, music, civil disobedience…

(Early bacon)

Or just some plain old good-natured ribbing (pun intended).

No matter how you slice it (pun definitely intended)…

Bacon is the next best thing to a religion.

It feeds the hungry…

Comforts those in need…

(Tell me this wasn’t created in The South!)

And gives solace to the destitute.

And gives life meaning and purpose in a chaotic world.

Or something like that.

I’m just glad someone’s making a buck off of all this passion.

I hate to see all this fervour go to waste.

So until next time, I will leave bacon where it best belongs…

On a plate, waiting to kill you.

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Thanks once again to my many friends and readers who send me more bacon-related photos than I can shake a bacon swizzlestick at!

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Loonies I Have Lunched With (Part 9): Practical Jokers

Have you ever eaten anything that you thought was one thing and then, after it was in your mouth, you discover to your horror that it was something entirely different?

(Nonna cooking up some Timbits)

Let me give you an example. Italian grandmother cooking up some meatballs in a skillet, placing the cooked meatballs onto a platter. Little five-year-old grandson comes into the room, sees a platter of what he thinks are Timbits. Child asks his sweet, adorable grandmother if he can have some Timbits. Nonna, who has a sick sense of humour, says, “Sure!” Kid bites into Timbit expecting a sweet, tasty treat and, instead, gets a mouthful of meat, fat, garlic, onions and parsley. Grandson makes horrible icky face. Nonna falls over laughing, thinking the whole shtick is the cutest thing she’s ever seen. Kid bursts into tears and spends years on psychiatrist’s couch trying to get over culinary child abuse.

(Some restaurants are a bit TOO dark!)

I had occasion to witness another example of this kind of evil subterfuge ages ago when some alleged friends of mine and I were having dinner in a dimly lit steakhouse. Gullible Friend was having some difficulty making out what was on his plate through the gloom of the dining room. He lifted a forkful of something and peered at it, trying to figure things out. Evil Friend helpfully suggested that it was mashed potatoes. Gullible Friend smiled and put the forkful into his mouth. His eyes bugged out and he began choking. Evil Friend cackled at her cleverness in fooling someone into eating a heapin’ helpin’ of horseradish.

(Mashed potatoes… or death on a spoon? [Photo Eve Fox])

I’ve never been a fan of practical jokes. I just don’t think they’re funny.

Practical jokes involving anything that needs to be ingested as part of the gag are, to me, particularly not funny.

People grimacing or spitting out food does not crack me up in the least.

Stop it.

Now…

Would you care for a Timbit?

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Jamie Oliver’s Simple Summer Spaghetti

Saw this over at Jamie Oliver’s website. Sounds wonderful, especially on hot days when you don’t feel like doing a lot of cooking.

A really simple, quick and amazingly tasty pasta dish which always hits the spot and will impress your mates. Try baking some fish filets over the herby tomatoes… it’s fantastic.

 (© David Loftus)

Ingredients

• 500g mixed red and yellow cherry tomatoes, halved
• 150g good black olives, stoned
• 1 clove of garlic, peeled and finely chopped
• 1 tablespoon red wine vinegar
• a bunch of fresh lemon basil, leaves picked
• a bunch of fresh marjoram, leaves picked
• 10 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
• 400g spaghetti or linguine
• sea salt and freshly ground black pepper

Method

In a large bowl, scrunch the tomatoes with your hands to slightly mush them. Mix in the olives, garlic and vinegar. Tear in the basil and marjoram leaves and pour in the olive oil. Allow to sit for 10 minutes.

Cook your pasta in salted boiling water according to the packet instructions until al dente. Drain and quickly toss in with the tomatoes. Call your guests around the table, then taste the juice at the bottom of the bowl and adjust the seasoning if you feel it needs it. Serve right away.

Stay cool!

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Why I Miss The South (Part 2): Extreme Food

Whether it’s Deep-Fried Twinkies…

Bacon Cheeseburgers with Krispy Kreme Donut Buns…

Or Turtle Burgers…

One of the things I miss most about The South is the penchant for extreme food.

This is not to say that all or even most people in The South partake in such culinary excesses. But there is a weird ‘Hey, y’all! Watch this!’ kind of dread fascination with extreme food – a sort of ‘Yew cain’t make this shit up!’ world view that lets you watch it out of a bizarre curiosity.

(The Schnitzel Tower Sandwich!)

How about this… a quadruple-cutlet hash brown sandwich with bacon and cheese: 1 veal, 1 pork and 2 chicken schnitzels (fried breaded cutlets), layered with 4 hash browns, 10 rashers of bacon and mozzarella. I can almost feel my heart valves slamming shut now!

(They call it… The Double-Wide!)

Or this… Chicken fried steak, bacon, cheese, lettuce, tomato, sandwiched between two bacon waffles. Affectionately known as The Double-Wide, the name (like the sandwich) operates on many levels. Is it merely descriptive of the sandwich? Or is it a reference to the famous double-wide trailers popular in The South?

Or is it taking a poke at the kind of person who might order something like this Fourth of July Fireworks Burger?

(Hopefully, this isn’t the result of someone who exploded after eating one of the above dishes)

No matter how you slice it… it’s The South!

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Special thanks to CaveManCircus.com for some of the food ideas and photos.

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Loonies I Have Lunched With (Part 4): LFD & the Chopsticks

A very dear friend of mine, LFD, likes sushi.

LFD and I quite often work in the same courthouse.

There is a wonderful sushi restaurant around the corner from said courthouse.

Put the three above statements together and it was not long before LFD and I decided that steps of some sort ought to be taken.

OK, so there I am, across the table from a hungry, little (and I do mean LITTLE… LFD is about 4’11″, I believe) Irish girl who is trying to figure out how to eat with two sticks.

With a bit of coaching, her first attempt went fairly well.

The second attempt… not quite so well. One of the chopsticks flew out of her hand and landed at the next table.

The third attempt… well, not really so good either, with some sushimi ending up on the floor.

“Can I get you some cutlery?” I asked, watching her lean down to retrieve her chopsticks from under someone’s chair.

“No… no,” she said, gamely, accidentally catapulting some wasabi across the aisle and into a young lady’s Diet Coke. “I’m keen to learn new things.”

I suspect more food ended up in our nearby surroundings than in her mouth but she was unfazed and undaunted.

I’m afraid LFD and I became the restaurant’s cabaret entertainment that day. The owner wanted us to come back and do two shows each evening for the next two weeks. We gracefully declined.

I suppose it’s just a matter of time before she and I go back to that restaurant.

So if you should be sitting down ordering some nigiri or norimaki and two people walk in who look oddly like Santa Claus and one of his elves from the North Pole… that would be us.

Do not be disturbed or concerned. Sit back. Relax… and be prepared to be amazed.

Also, please do not try this at home. We are professionals.

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Returning April 16th!

The Kosher Samurai continues to be away for Passover.

Look for this award-anticipating blog to return this coming Monday April 16th!

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R’ Michael Skobac’s Healthy Challah for Dummies!

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of spending Shabbes with my rebbe and mentor, R’ Michael Skobac [1] and his charming wife, Chashi.

R’ Skobac is Master Po to my Grasshopper.

(R’ Skobac and I SO don’t look like this!)

Shabbes dinner featured a spelt/camut challah that was out of this world!

He was kind enough to share the recipe with me… and here it is!

R’ Skobac’s Healthy Challah for Dummies (and those short on time):

Ingredients:

• 3.5 cups of spelt flour

• 1/2 cup of kamut flour

• 4 teaspoons baking powder

• 1 teaspoon salt

• 2 cups water

• 2 Tablespoons oil

• 1.5 tablespoons of honey

Method:

Mix ingredients well into a dough. Divide in two and shape into round loaves.

Bake both loaves on a cookie sheet (covered in parchment paper) @ 350F for 40 minutes.

Check to make sure they’re done and ENJOY!

Simple. Fast. And for those intimidated by baking anything more complicated that muffins or banana bread, a really great way to feel like you know what you’re doing.

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[1] Rabbi Michael Skobac - one of the world’s foremost authorities on Missionaries and Cults – is the Director of Education and Counselling of Jews for Judaism (Canada). He was educated at Northwestern University and Yeshiva University and has been involved in Jewish education and outreach work since 1975. (He and I also sit together at our little shtiebl, Congregation Bais Dov Yosef in Toronto [aka The Holy Strudel King]).

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Pizza Cones!

When I first saw a photo of this little treat the other day, I said, “WOW!”

A pizza cone. What a stroke of genius!

Pizza dough, formed into the shape of a cone and filled with pizza toppings!

This is the best thing since the calzone… basically a pizza turnover!

While not nearly in the Out Of Control category of foods like deep-fried Twinkies or those bacon triple cheeseburgers with Krispy Kreme glazed donuts for buns… the pizza cone does speak to the heart of a ‘fast food with a bit of an edge’ fan. Just the idea of it immediately finds a home in most junk food lovers’ hearts.

And the best thing is that, just as regular pizza can be made kosher, so too can a pizza cone!

The whole milk-meat prohibition can be easily side-stepped with meatless pepperoni, chorizo or deli slices. I myself prefer the kosher products made by Yves Veggie Cuisine. They are available at any good grocery store. Kosher mozzarella and parmesan cheeses are easy to get at any kosher food outlet.

I suppose it’s just a matter of time before I try to whip up one of these little wonders.

I somehow cannot see myself being disappointed!

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Quick & Easy Purim Hamantashen

This Wednesday night, March 7, marks the beginning of the Jewish festival of Purim, commemorating the events of the biblical Book of Esther in ancient Persia (now Iran). The wicked Persian premier, Haman, plotted to wipe out all the Jews (sound familiar?) but was ultimately thwarted. Purim falls into the “they tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!” category of Jewish festivals and holidays.

As part of the celebration, Jews traditionally bake three-sided fruit or poppy-seed filled turn-over cookies called ‘hamantashen’ (also spelled ‘hamantaschen). Their triangle shape is because it is believed that a tri-cornered hat was worn by the wicked Haman (i.e. the ‘Haman’ in ‘hamantashen’).

In the spirit of the festival, I offer you Chabad‘s ‘Quick & Easy Hamantashen’ recipe. Enjoy!

Ingredients:

1 (18.25 ounce) package moist yellow cake mix

1 cup all-purpose flour

2 eggs

2 tablespoons water

Fillings:

1 cup fruit jam (any flavour) or 1 cup prepared poppy-seed filling or 1 cup chocolate chips

Directions:

• Preheat the oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit. Grease cookie sheets.
• In a large bowl, mix together the cake mix and flour. Stir in the eggs and water to form a stiff dough. On a lightly floured surface, roll the dough out to 1/8 inch thickness.
• Cut into 3 inch round circles and place 2 inches apart onto the prepared cookie sheets. Place a teaspoon of filling into the centre of each cookie and pinch the sides tightly to form three corners so that only a little filling is visible. Moisten with water, if necessary.
• Bake hamantashen for 6 to 8 minutes in the preheated oven, or until lightly browned.
• Allow cookies to cook for 1 minute on the cookie sheets before removing to wire racks to cool completely.

Recipe yields 2 dozen hamantashen.

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Green Beans with Olive Oil and Garlic

Sometimes, the simple things are the best.

(The name says it all!)

Try this simple, quick and easy vegetable side dish.

Take green beans (a bit less than 2 lbs), snip off the ends and boil.

When cooked, remove from water and let cool a bit.

Pour a bit of extra virgin olive oil on beans, along with some freshly minced garlic (3-4 cloves) and a pinch of salt.

Toss until evenly mixed.

Serve.

What could be easier. And what could be more delicious?

Try these variations:

• Fry or roast the garlic before putting it on the green beans
• Add a shpritz of freshly squeezed lemon juice on the beans
• Add thinly sliced lemon wedges as a garnish
• Add toasted sliced almonds to the dish
• Add some chili pepper flakes

Or how about this? Fry garlic and a bit of cayenne pepper (or chili pepper flakes) in a large skillet before adding the green beans, a pinch of salt and a pinch of sugar. Stir-fry for about two minutes, then add about a 1/4 cup of water. Cover pan and cook about 6 minutes. Remove lid and cook until water evaporates. Toss in nuts (almonds or cashews), season with salt and lemon pepper and serve.

You don’t have to be exact with these variations. If you like more garlic, pour it on! If you like the beans a bit crisper or al dente, do it. If you like it hot, serve immediately. If you like it cold, rinse cooked beans in cold water before adding oil and garlic.

If you are nervous about cayenne but want a bit of heat, try a tiny bit of sriracha (hot Thai chili sauce) or if you want something flavourful but a bit less spicy, I suggest Lee Kum Kee chili garlic sauce. (Note: While some Lee Kum Kee products are kosher, their Chili Garlic Sauce ISN’T!)

(Why, oh why can’t you be kosher??)

This dish can be as simple or as fancy as you like. Experiment. Have fun!

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